The Other Side of me.

~just when i was about to lift my head off my pillow, a feeling just embedded into my mind to stay on the bed. just like that, with no reasons.. i did not get up, instead i laid back and started what should i do...im clear that my body is holding me down from exhaustion.. yes indeed i've been spending not much time in resting. was is becz of the other side of me is using much of my energy while i wasnt aware?~ (wait damien... what you mean by the other side of you?)

fellas.. its strage that these few days i had odd stuffs going on around me.. somehow the i dun feel like the body is even mine. my gums bleeds everyday. asthma have been striking more often than before. heart pumped in extreme hard. heartache which draged my attention away from study. could it be the real me...?

emotional.. this is another side of me every night.. i'll go out with a bunch of friends for whatever reason, and its not gonna keep me in the room alone. just because i'm so used to spend my time with them rather than closing my eyes for the day just like that. but what is strange is that the other side of me tends of come out after coming back from the fine supper.. i begun to cycle along the lakeside alone.. talking to myself.. the audible words are spoken through my lips. i know because of the awareness of me doing so is there. i know that i was whispering something out of my thoughts but the interpretion is very confusing. none of them make sense. in fact, every single words are like, "hey fellas..", "oh my god...", what"cha waitin for..".... what is going on..? im so lost..

i've been quite active in facebook lately.. i just discovered a series of activity which i find it usefull when im alone and having nothing in my thoughts but FACEBOOK... i couldnt wait for the new friends to reply my mails in facebook and approval from the new friends. ..wht's my point? haha.. i duno.. and and and for no reasons, im so into mariah carey's Obsessed.. she's a diva who sang her heart out.. thanks for your song that made my day up..

i cant catch up..

guys... im sorry.. i just couldnt catch up with you all.. nice to meet you all.. but.. just, i really cant afford to buy the friendships over you guys.

let me just tell you guys a story... when i was in secnodary school, i met a bunch of cool friends who eventually turned into jerks in the end of the story.. i use to hang around with them as if they would be the best gang i'v ever hang out with.. but the fact that i dont know how to kick the damn ball into the goal, they make me a goal-keeper..well i know it sounds stupid and it is pretty obvious they are making fun of me.. i dun mind, if being a joke to them can keep me in that group... from time to time i was their goal keeper all the time. footballs are flying at wild speed towards me all the time and i dodge it most of the time, which was soon given a name "sissy" bcz of dodging the ball instaead of grabbing it while i have zero confidence that the ball would be safely landed on my palms.. when time flies, i start to get bored of the game which requires you to run in the middle standing at the goal post under the hot sun at 1pm. so i decided to stay at home more often and reject most of the calls from them for football.. what happened was that, i was isolated and left behind becz of the stupid fact that i dont know how to play football... i need friends.. friends who have same interest in... friends who ask you out to be part of them... friends who notice your feeling changes.. friends who are caring enough to ask you "how do you do?"... but not this bunch of jerks who finaly claimed among their group, all are called the Brothers.. what do i do? yea, i was alone for quite a while..

the same shit happened too long after the previous incident.. in universities, we are program to meet new friends if you are really look into making your university life more interesting. yea, i met a bunch of cool classmates as well.. same shit... assignment group went well during the first few weeks before i discoverd they have the same interest, DOTA... which i have no idea how that game works.. every gathering was full of stratergies in gaming..i'll be the one sitting beside and listening to "ooi...stunt them!! give them ulti!! mah de! its coming!! wei protect the base!!!"... stuffs like that was lasted till the time when i finaly descoverd that they are not asking me out for meals and activities.. bcz of the fact that i know nothing about DOTA which makes them think "yes, damien know no shit about it and no point asking him out also." finally... it has been lasted for two semesters.. at last, during my birthday, we actually had a dinner IN CONJUNCTION of another classmates birthday which is on two more days after mine.. people actually didnt noticed my existence and i was told that, they planned the dinner for the one who's birthday is right after mine by right mine is on that day..

guys... i duno how to tell you how i feel now.. its just that, i cannot catch up anymore... sorry..

long lost me..

listening to the nice melody from the heart.. and its playing the same old song. LOOSERSS!!!! i've been staying single for a year.. true.. yeap... nvr had one since last year... i can tell that its still not my time to have a girl in my heart yet.. i mean, studies, parents, time organization already taken over. not much time i can spend on other stuffs... and.... these few months time i got f*cked up in so many relationships... none of them worked well.. i guess i'll just wair for them to come to me instead of hunting one... so, im officially single and AVAILABLE!!! see see other people all are holding hands even though they look not as great as the those in the "expected" criteria.. but damn, damien, you are one loosing bitch! screw you... haah... walking alone huh... see other people so damn yeng... holding their girlfriends hand.. you?! aha! LOOSER!.... not gonna comment much on single life..

in fact, i met a bunch of CRAzeeee frienz!! .... hehe... thanks to you guys.. you guys made my days up.. not gonna spend my time alone anymore... not gonna tell you why but hell yea, trust me that you guys rock! haha... i didnt even know how to make full use of my PSP till i met you guys, the monster hunting maniacs!! haha... hunt like a C*nt!!! haha... that's what tayshawn says...hhah.. and thanks to the MILF henry who gave me this farking name "p*ssymouth"... haha... matter of fact, i came up with a nother name for him ...haha. HENRY P*ssyface!!!! GAGA!!!

lately.. i've been emo and met loads of ups and downs... its like giving myself a hard bang on the wall... hard enough to knock the tears outta my head.. sometimes when im alone, i feel like crying my eyes out... its just that, things are changing too fast and i never tend to catch up.. dear Lord, are you making fun of me? ladder of success.. i've seen how some people climbed.. but they seem to feel slumber and relax while climbing... me?! i dun even dare to look at my future.. it has no direction... Public Relations is where i am going...but am i really into it? yet? i went for my haircut and i got positive comment about it.. but just yesterday i met a friend of mine who told me that "damien, EW!!! why did you ....?!!!! EW!!! its UGLY!!! you look yong sui".... my heart cracked and i never tell myself that i look bad with it... but he was the first one who did that comment in front of me... from then, my confidence goes down...please MR... im not gonna mention what is your name but FARK OFF ... who cares wht kind of hairstyle i have.. you are driving your GF's car as if it is yours... i am OFFENDED you MARTHA FOCKER! when i wanna mock you, i'll go straight to your face and make you scream like a c*nt in the middle of the cafeteria..

well.. taht's all... when i gets emo... i'll be seeing you again Mr. Westlake... you've seen how my heart bleeds and you 've heard how my heart cracks...gonna need you soon....

I Can Make It Through The Rain~

i can make it through the rain.

this is the song that listen to while im sad. it has been quite a disastrous weekend. matter of fact, i broke down. was something which i told myself to handle it well. but ended up like i never had one. who in the world would think tat i am this weak. LOVE is not everything, this is what most people telling themselves from time to time. probably they are right...but there's something else people never tend to bother to know, which is the level of love in their lives.

LOVE is most of the thing in my life. Motivations from my love ones are more than anything from
moral text book. family is where i get my life from. i rose under the care of my parents.

when you get caught in the rain, when no where to run. when you distraught and in pain without anyone. you feel so far away ...then you can just find your way home, you can get there alone. its ok , what you say is i can make it through the rain, i can stand up once again. on my own, and i know i'm strong enough to mend. and every time i feel afraid , i hold tighter to my faith one , and i live one more day, and i make it through the rain. i was telling my self to stand up with my faith..

look at myself... i never do anything for myself. i never look around... bunch of friends are waiting for me...


last weekend (21.02.09)...
i met A..... A is a friend of my friend's, K.... A is someone nice which i would look forward to be with.. A has whatever personality which you and me would think is the best to be your love one(mostly). we hung out for two days and all i got was the nice feeling towards A... fell deeper and deeper. when time comes, i had to leave on monday... sun was hanging sky high. it shone just right on top of my head. me and another friend of mine, S decided to go for a movie before leaving. i gave a message to K, telling him that i fell for A.... he was indeed shock and trying to tell me A & K are already together.. its something i hardly believe at first... my heart wasnt beating for a while... i didnt know how to respond... without second thought, i left the ticket counter and telling S(friend whom i supposed to watch movie with) that i wanna go home...NOW... i left tat place with an intention of getting this issue outta my head... but i just cant. i never feel any better after leaving that place.. all the way from kl back home... mind was telling me what i shouldnt intended to remember... the thruth kept on playing in my mind... when i got home.. i didnt know where to go... i went out and get a bus back to kl.... i was looking for a friend whom i can talk to.... i realy have no idea where was he... i was running here and there... without direction... it was almost 8.... and im still walking around ... i took a late but back home... i was tired and there is nothing much to worry about other than getting a rest... rest in all sense...

from that day on....im telling myself...i can make it through the rain... its a song... which is so not possible for me to listen to it to get better... but its meaningfull though....

thanks for reading what im sharing..

Nothing much to loose anymore.

life isnt a fair game as everyone wants.. there are times for you to go all the way up to the peak of your life. and there are times for you to fall to the bottom of everything. the minute when you see the silver lining in the cloud, you might just fall down with reasons you'll never expect.

im damien. this is utar. which means im no longer staying in my house and im far from it now. it has many things for me to enjoy in the life od university. scenefull culture and intersting night lives.but all these will just happen with money $$$.. imagining...looking at your friends eating in cafeteria with your pocket empty and starving. yes... this is what i have to face almost everyday. dun ask me why my parents arent banking-in any moreny to me. i wish to know as well. but i feel bad to ask moeny from them. so i chose not to call them before they call me and ask me whether i still have any cash with me. economic rice is always my favourite. and it would only cost me around 2.5 which is cheap. but under the condition of financial shortage, i have to cut down on everything. haiz...

presentations...T.T
my tutor canceled my part of during presentation..TWICE! i didnt know wat to say about it.. and im really sorry to my group members.

it was too close...

guys... im lucky.. im still writting blog at this moment... i appreciate more to my life from now... i found that, friends around me are still care for me. thanks to ya'll... i dont know how much can i do as return for saving my life... dragging me out from hell at the very moment...

two days ago...

i was stroke buy a serious asthma.. i thought it was a small case at the first place. i went to B block to take a rest in tutorial room. as the room was getting warmer, asthma was getting intense and kept on giving me strong impact.. face was red, as if someone was choking me... none of the chance to breath was given. temperature was heated up and that made me gone even worse.. i felt itchy all over my body.. red rashes were all over my hands and face... i was feeling fire hot.."is this hell?"... i was asking myself.. none of my classmates drive to campus that day.. thank god i was still able to get a friend of mine mind through phone.. i called nick out... once he got my call, got there immediately without hesitating.. from westlake to campus takes like 15 mins... but he got there in 5mins... i got into his car and went home in rush.. really thank him a lot... he never feel hesitate to help anyone around him...

it was 2pm... bao jun was online chatting with someone... i cant figure out anyone that time... he was staying next to my room... "bao jun.......im sic.....k.....really...si....ck..." he was terrified... "shu kian... get help..!! call DIGI.... damien needs help!! quick!"... another housemate of mine rushed into my room and trying to get the whole asthma-striking thingy clear... bao jun and shu kian was in chaos.. they didnt know what to do... bao jun kept on calling friends to come over to send me to hospital... i was crying and crying and crying.. all i know was that i've caused everyone around me to worry... i scared them,.. i cant help myself too.. it was horrible... after a sip of water... a friend of mine reahced here to send me to hospital.. when i go there... i got this bloody smelly oxygen or whatever gas in my mind...gos, im gonna inhale that again... i did... almost an hour i was inside the emergency wad... friends were waiting outside... i was so glad that my friends were beside me...

nurses gave me 5 injections...ouch... it was so so so painfull.. never want to go in there anymore.. finally...when everything was over, i went home with a fine and calm self... it kept on playing in my mind... i never stop thinking how horrible was MR Asthama.. he paid me a big visit this time..

friends who helped me... i really want to give you a big thank.. a realy big thank.. i was almost died.. but these friends... they pulled me out of the gate of hell... i got myself clear anough to appreciate my life now...